Here's A Quick 2013 Grammy Recap

The night belonged to Rihanna, Carrie Underwood and Justin Timberlake. No surprise there, to be honest. Rihanna dressed in all red to commemorate the anniversary of her savage beating while Chris Brown wore white hoping that people thought he was pure or something that no one actually bought. Carrie Underwood's dress was a total acid trip and actually kind of scary if you think about it. Kelly Clarkson was high for 90% of the night. Beyoncé didn't perform shit and dressed like a waitress. Jay-Z spoke twice and was hilarious both times. Adele looked like a character from Super Mario Brothers. Taylor Swift danced awkwardly all night. Robin Thicke & Bruno Mars were somewhere circle jerking to JT's performance, which was pretty much just like something they both would do, but people cared more.

Watch the performances below.

The show started off with a performance from Taylor Swift... so I took my sweet time getting home from work. I ended up missing the first thirty minutes. No sweat. Again, Taylor Swift opened the show. I couldn't have missed much. 

Yeah. Didn't miss much. She sounded good, but definitely was outshined by pretty much all of the later performance. Swift did provided some comic relief throughout the show by pretending to know words to songs she's clearly never heard before. If you watch her during the Bob Marley tribute, it looks like she's mouthing a different song completely.

Thanks to my tardiness I also missed the Ed Sheeran & Elton John performance.

Thank god for late night traffic. I'd have probably changed the channel.

The show took it's first right turn towards liveliness during the Wiz Khalifa and Miguel performance.

This performance is funny because later a seemingly high Kelly Clarkson stated, "Miguel, I don't know who you are, but we need to make music together!" It was probably the closest I came to peeing my pants all night."

Highlight #1 of the Night: Justin Timberlake performs "Suit & Tie" & brings out Jay-Z.

A much more entertaining set than his pre-Superbowl performance where he controversially and subtly called Britney Spears a bitch. I think all of the angry Britney lovers forgot all about that as soon as his fine ass started showing off his new choreography across the sepia toned screen.

fun. was up next, performing their latest single "Carry On."

I'm sure they were thankful for the performance slot because their song that was struggling on iTunes flew up into the Top 10. Sidenote: They looked really tired. Like, do they sleep or were they just coming down from a coke high?

Highlight #2: Rihanna SLAYS Pop Single "Stay" w/ Mikky Ekky. (BTW it's pronounced like "Mickey" apparently.)

On top of having one of the best looks of the night, she also displayed one of the best vocal performances. She's really getting better and better with each even. If only she would take a break and come back a year later with tons of hype and really high energy performances. Lord, I might have to stan.

Less vocally intriguing was Alicia Keys who screamed (in a lower octave than usually) "Girl On Fire" with the help of Maroon 5's Adam Levine. Why is she still trying to make this song happen?

The night was brought back to life by a Bruno Mars led tribute to Bob Marley that featured some Royal Marley Family, Rihanna and Sting. Somehow, Rihanna was outshined by everyone. Her only relevancy in the performance was watching her boobs bounce as she caught her life to the island beats. I wish she could dance because I really needed her to go the fuck off and dutty whine across the stage.

Highlight #3: Carrie Underwood's Dress Steals The Fucking Show.

At first it was like... "Oh, her dress is changing. Who gives a shit." Then the dress started going the fuck off! On top of that, she was giving vocals your fav prays for every night before they go to bed.

Frank Ocean and his broken fingers also performed. Chris Brown did not clap.

The Black Keys also performance. I didn't know they did this song. It was all in Warm Bodies, which sucked, so I have bad memories with this song.

Adele and Kelly Clarkson also performed, but The Grammy Association is snatching these videos faster than the speed of light. If there videos do not work, check Mr. World Premiere for videos on a different server.