2012 in Music: Martian's Predictions!

As we count down the last hours of the year 2011, a years completely ruled by the likes of Adele, Beyonce's baby bump, Dr. Luke and the McRib, I figure now is an opportune to map out my ideal 2012. Plus, I saw it on The Prophet Blog and thought it was a cute idea! Will 2012 finally be the year of X-Tina, or will Beyoncè stop her in her tracks? Will Shakira finally make big moves in the US? Will Carrie Underwood finally break that toothpick framed, undeserving cunt Taylor Swift...

Carrie Underwood - Carrie always does big things in country. She has one of the most powerful and controlled voiced in the music industry. She's pretty much the Beyoncè of Country music. She can sing and her hair is always laid to the fucking gods. Still, there is absolutely no word on Carrie's sound for her new album, even though it's due in Q1. I predict Carrie has a huge here, especially since her contemporaries, Miranda Lambert and Taylor Swift won't be standing in her way for at least the first half of the year. She'll sweep the CMT Awards and once again be named a CMA Entertainer of the Year. Easy to predict, honestly, since the country music industry is so predictable.

Beyoncè - The self-proclaimed King B sure knows how to ride a tidal wave of spotlight. In 2012, just like she rode every queen's obsession with the Single Ladies routine, Beyoncè will have a magnificent to opportunity to ride the beautiful story of her first child. I think we'll have another summer release that goes in the complete opposite direction of 4. Bey is a pioneer, so she'll surely hire a hot produce to revive the hot dance sounds of the past. I'd love to hear Beyoncè do some beautiful club music like Donna Summer's "I Feel Love" or some trashy vogue music like "I Took The Night" by Chelley (with actual sung lyrics, of course). I also want Beyonce to give me straight, bouncing, glowing caramel hair. The album will, of course, be #1... making Beyonce the first female to have 5 consecutive #1 debuts, which will spark the greatest stan war ever between Britney's Army and the Bey Hive. For her first video, she will talk about how amazing it was to come up with a brand new concept, explain that the video is unlike anything we have ever seen before and that people will be shocked. In the video, Beyoncè will be in a high school wearing a catholic school girl uniform tied around her breast with braided pigtails. I also predict Beyoncè to do lots of baby oriented projects, perhaps a baby lacefront and diaper lined leotard. Maybe in Beyoncè Heat: Baby Sweat.

Ke$ha - I think Ke$ha is a great writer and she has a way with words. I can see another #1 hit by Ke$ha that dominates the charts for several weeks. I see a #1 album too. With the success of her first album, it's a sure thing that Ke$ha will have a huge promo trail. I think critics will praise her album highly and that she'll pick up a handful of Grammy nominations and ASCAP or BMI awards. I also see Ke$ha establishing her stanbase even more and picking up a lot of followers on Twitter.

Chris Brown - Chris will outsell F.A.M.E. Now that he's under a new label, we'll see better promotion and hopefully better videos. Chris would and should debut his new song at the Grammy's. I think Chris Will break up with his girlfriend and let rumors circulate about him and Rihanna getting back together to help both of them amp up interest in their careers, but they will not get back together.

Rihanna - Speaking of Rihanna, I believe Rihanna will release 3 more singles from Talk That Talk and hit the road for another tour. (Hey! Maybe she could tour with Ke$ha!) Rihanna should release "Where Have You Been" and have a nice, warm, comfy seat at the top of Billboard for the the second half of Q1. I also think Rihanna will pick up another Grammy. In September Rihanna will announce her 7th studio album and release one single every week. In November she will announce her nine album and release 4 singles that week. In December, Rihanna will release "A Bajan Christmas" and just send it to radio stations with a note that says, "play all of them."

Christina Aguilera - I think Christina will have at least another #1 song this year. I know she will promote her ass off, because she's always been pretty good at that. I think her album will sell around 250,000 the first week and sell just over a million by the end of the year. She'll definitely be promoting a lot on the voice, which will be the highest rated show for it's time slot. I predict her album will have a more progressive pop sound that sounds more like an Americanized Robyn. I also think Christina will get engaged, because she always coincidentally does everything Britney at least a year later. (No shadiness intended, but facts are facts! Sometimes she does it better! ;) 

Girls Aloud - I think Girls Aloud will join back together later in the year and I don't think it will be as big as everyone expect. I think Nicola will put out another album that it more geared with chart toppers and will also aim for US success since she loves it their so much. I don't care about the others.

Katy Perry - Kitty Kat will record another album that will show of her vocals more, but will, of course, be full of hits. She will continue to shatter Billboard records by shelling out albums for borderline rule-breaking costs, but I'm hoping she drops the whole feature artists thing. I think Katy will also break away from Dr. Luke and work with more urban producers like the Outsyders. 

Ashanti, Michelle Williams, Keri Hilson, Cassie & Ameriie - All of these artists will release albums. Most of them will probably be amazing, but no one will give a shit and they will all flop.

Nicki Minaj - Nicki will finally get a #1!... but it will be from a feature. Roman's Revenge will have a big first week at #1, then slowly bomb. I do think Nicki's tour will do well, but I expect her to tour with another big name (Ke$ha, Rihanna... hello!) I think Nicki will date a high profile star this year, probably a basketball player. 

Britney Spears - Will have lots of sex with Jason because we all know she wants a big family. Britney will have a huge wedding with an E! Special and will be pregnant by August. I think she will look at a few movie scripts, but like always nothing will come of it aside from possibly a cameo in some comedy. Britney will also gain a little weight during the winter, then land on the cover of OK! Magazine for having a hot beach body because he fat will vanish overnight, just like it always has.

Madonna - Will come back and her gap will be even wider. She'll have a couple of Top 20 hits on Billboard and do something extremely controversial that will put her in headlines. I see Madonna doing a lot of endorsements this year. 

Kanye West & Jay-Z - will both do several projects, including Watch The Throne 2, G.O.O.D. music and another non-Blueprint album from Jay-Z. Jay-Z will be name GQ's man of the year and with Bey will start creating his own artists and groups.

Lady Gaga - Gaga is going to work on a new project and possibly coop on a fashion line with a big designer. I think during the VMAs Lady Gaga will ascend from the ceiling in a pantsuit made of Kerm... wait, she already did that, Hair... she did that too? Um... Ok! I got it... Lady Gaga will be wearing a bunch of iPads that have different screenshots of a part of the pantsuit and... ok that's stupid and that's why I'm a blogger and not a fucking fashion designer. Either way, Gaga is going to take a shit on the VMA stage and call it art. 

That's where that was going.

Lastly, Shakira - I think Shakira is going to finally make waves in the US again. She always manages to hit huge when she does. I predict she'll team up with will.I.am and have a huge summer single that will be #1 for 2 weeks. 

... what do you guys want to see in 2012? Anyone I left off?

By Request:

Leona Lewis - Will finally release another album. I think she'll have another #1 in the US and two #1s in the UK. I want to hear Leona give more dance music like Collide. I flipping love that song and it shows off her vocals nicely. I think We Found Love should have been her song. 

Kelly Clarkson - I think people will ride this Kelly Clarkson, Ron Paul thing out well into 2012. She will eventually go on SNL and make fun of herself. I think with all of this hype, Kelly will have some Top 10 success on Billboard and we'll see her pick up her promo.

Adele - Adele will continue to be huge in 2012... lmfao, that came out so wrong. I meant musically. I think  South Park will make fun of Adele, that she'll even see a few weeks at #1 in 2012. I think by Feb, we'll finally see her decline on Billboard, but it will be slow. I think by the end of the year, she will be nearing 750,000 albums in the US alone.